"She believed she could, so she did"

     Contemplating the unsolvable: life. In the words of my god…. “Am I living it right?” (John Mayer… DUH). The quandary that undoubtedly arises in a typical conversation of or relating to “LIFE” is when people bring up the F word (somewhat interchangeable with the D word). My qualm with finding meaning in life and discovering your individual worth and purpose is the idea of ‘fate’ (the D word being destiny).  I have yet to participate in a conversation in which any of my friends agree with my perspective. I believe things do not happen for a reason. Maybe this stems from my propensity to science rather than religion, but whatever my beliefs, (most of which I’m still trying to figure out), I can’t nod aggressively in agreement with those who preach, “everything happens for a reason”. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not insensitive to people who feel differently than myself. Especially those who have experienced and dealt with the hardships of life I can’t even fathom yet. Maybe we all have a specific purpose in our life, but that does not equate to having calculated moments that are ‘meant to be’. It doesn’t matter where we end up; life is about our journey through it, right?
I would highly recommend reading one of, if not the most enlightening books I’ve ever read: 'When bad things happen to good people' by Harold S. Kushner. This argument of bad things happening to good people is not meant to be an annoying philosophical defense to things happening for a reason, merely a good perspective to take in considering the idea. To summarize my rant and condense how I feel about the topic, I would like to quote Harold himself: “The questions of why bad things happen to good people transmutes itself into some very different questions, no longer asking why something happened, but ask how we will respond, what we intend to do now that it happened."

     The way I chose to live my life (whether determined by fate or otherwise) is through inspiration. I am perpetually inspired by way of my experiences, loved ones, and the world around me. Although I may not be particularly religious, I do have a ‘mantra’ that I connect to which I try to recite to myself before I go to sleep and as soon as I wake up.

May I be safe and free from harm.

May I have a peaceful heart.

May I have a healthy, strong body.

May I live with ease.

May I accept myself exactly as I am.

May I accept my life exactly as it is.

Maybe I’m not so insensitive and heartless after all , huh?

     ALSO, to trigger more elevating thoughts and feelings here are excerpts from one of my favorite poems/songs I reread frequently to keep myself grounded and appreciate each day as it comes: the sunscreen song.

     Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh never mind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and 
recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before 
you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you imagine.

    Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes 
you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with 
yourself.

    Whatever you do, don’t 
congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your 
choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. Enjoy your body, 
use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people 
think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever 
own.

    Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for 
good. Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the 
people most likely to stick with you in the future.

    Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who 
supply it.

The keg is half full

It isn’t unusual that I find myself teetering between what nouns categorize as pessimism and optimism. But faced with the impending future of my future, I struggle with being able to “walk confidently in the direction of  [my] dreams”. And this is not for lack of the ability to dream big; over the last 22 years I’ve found that fantasy and outlandish aspirations prefer to consume my thoughts as opposed to rational ones. However, following through with such lofty ambitions and choosing a definitive path has never been a strong suit. All thought, no action.

As I linger on the edge of diving full force into my last year of college, I know it is not yet the time to be panicking and pulling my hair out over what is to be for Ally G. Yet I have but countable weeks, days, and hours in which to be completely reckless with those I have become so close to.  I have no doubts that this will be anything less than the best year of my college career (sans going abroad… but that is another topic entirely).  I look forward to what is in store for me in my senior year and I feel prepared to face each opportunity with enthusiasm and a Justin Bieber ‘Never Say Never!’ attitude. But inevitably the time will come that I have to do what I have been avoiding with every fiber in my body: grow up.  And as repulsive and frightening as this seems, I am beginning to realize something crucial. Growing up doesn’t mean growing old. I am in charge of me and I am in charge of my life. As scary as accepting responsibility and moving towards a new, more professional chapter of my thus far short and sweet story is, I am starting to see that the next move is mine to determine. Maybe this is the time for my wishful thinking to become a reality. I’m developing my interests and exploring my passions and being honest with myself about what makes me happy and what I could really do with these interests in the future. I’ve never been one to know just what I want and what is right for me, but I am determined to take my seemingly impossible ideas and chase them down. If not now, then when? The thought of being alone and unhappy after graduation (I’m sure I’m not alone in this vivid nightmare) is pushing me forward to do something. And now instead of turning a cold shoulder to any mention of “post-grad life”, I’m warming up to the notion of being an adult still capable of fun and adventure. So with that future, for now at least, I give you a shrug and a smirk.